


Darcy (Probably) Saves The World

by agoldenblackbird (mass_hipgnosis)



Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Fantastic Four (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Broken Yellow Crayon, Civil War Team Iron Man, Crack, F/M, Gen, Not Avengers: Infinity Wars Compliant, Ridiculous Superweapons, Spoilers, The Author Regrets Everything, Where is the Soul Stone Anyway?, this is what happens when I don't sleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 14:35:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14595123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mass_hipgnosis/pseuds/agoldenblackbird
Summary: Five ways Darcy singlehandedly stops Thanos, that almost definitelyreallyhappened (and if you believe that, there's this bridge, been sitting on the market for a while so it'ssuper cheap, dude!).





	Darcy (Probably) Saves The World

**Author's Note:**

> I needed some mirth in my life in the wake of...everything MCU-flavored of late. The Major Character Death warning is really just implied, because _Infinity Wars._

****

* * *

**Her Mouth (and her iPod)**

****

* * *

She stumbles over a bit of smoking rubble, staggers in a drunken circle, and blinks up at Thanos. Then, in an eerie imitation of every drunk frat bro Tony has ever encountered, she says indignantly, “Dude! _What_ are you doing?” 

To Tony's utter flabbergasted shock, Thanos doesn't blast her with the Gauntlet. “I seek the favor of Lady Death.” 

“And when you say 'seek the favor,' I'm guessing you don't want her to help you move.” 

“Your corpse will be my courting gift.” 

“Gross. Well, you're going about it in the completely wrong way, just FYI. No man in the history of the universe has ever impressed a woman into sleeping with him by making her day job hella difficult. _Never._ Happened. Tell you what, I'm gonna wingman for you, just this once. Number 1: stop killing people so she actually has the time and energy to go on a date with you. Number 2: I know badass career women are kind of intimidating, but she is a whole person with interests outside of her work, and you need to show that you get that by suggesting other activities. Which leads directly into Number 3: set the mood. You have that...glove of ultimate awesome, or whatever, take her to see the Cat's Eye Nebula. Now, it's about 5300 light years away, but it's definitely worth the trip. Gorgeous. A nice picnic, a little mood music...here, take my iPod. This bad boy has survived three and a half alien invasions. You want the Third Date Playlist. I know this is the first date, but just trust me. 60% of the time, it works _every_ time.” 

She digs in her jeans pocket for a minute, drops an iPod with dangling hot pink earbuds in his outstretched, begloved hand, and pats the big purple guy on his bicep. “You stay classy, Mad Titan.” 

“Did you just save the world with Anchorman quotes and an iPod Nano?” Tony asks, when Thanos has departed with his army, apparently to court Death with less bloody corpses and more Barry Manilow. 

“Is that what happened?” She's flopped on the dirt, both arms behind her head, looking at the sky, which is much less Apocalypse Now than it was ten minutes ago. She's kicked off one flip-flop and keeps swinging her foot in the air and poking Rogers in the thigh with her big toe, right where there's a slash through the suit and a mostly-clotted wound, making him flinch and glare at her. 

Tony's finding it weirdly satisfying to watch. “So it would appear.” 

“Huh. Me and Janey came up with an Alien Invasion drinking game after the second time, and everything's kind of a blur once the sixth tequila shot hits you. Which, y'know, is the whole point.” 

“I like your style, Short Stack.” 

****

* * *

**A Dollar Store Magic Wand**

****

* * *

“This has gone far enough, Mad Titan!”

She holds up a magic wand. The star on the end is pink, and covered in glitter that's flaking off. There are iridescent streamers fluttering in the faint, hot breeze drifting over the battlefield. 

“Bibbidi bobbidi boo!” 

Thanos turns into a pumpkin. An exceptionally ugly pumpkin. It might have warts. Or elephantiasis. Or gangrene. Or all three. 

The crazy woman turns to the Avengers with a cheery smile and says, “So! Who wants pie?” 

As it turns out, Mad Titan Pumpkin Pie is _delicious._

****

* * *

**A Crayon**

****

* * *

The woman facing off against Thanos holds up an object. “FRIDAY, analysis.”

_“Cellulose, paraffin and tartrazine, Boss.”_

“The fuck,” Tony mutters. 

The strange woman breaks the yellow crayon in half. 

Thanos discards the Infinity Gauntlet, drops to his knees, and starts crying. 

The woman shrugs when the Avengers all stare at her. “It worked on Dark Willow.” 

****

* * *

**A Borrowed (totally NOT stolen, don't listen to that douchecanoe Reed Richards) Object of Immense Power  
**

****

* * *

The woman who appeared out of nowhere in the middle of their battle, pointed a small silvery object at Thanos, and singlehandedly wiped out him and his entire army looks around, shrugs, takes a pack of gum out of her back pocket, and starts chewing.

They're all waiting to see what she does next, if she is the new threat they have to face, but all she does is blow a large purple bubble. 

“Darcy?!” 

The woman grins. “What up, Scorch Mark?” 

“Johnny, you know her?” Sue Storm-Richards asks skeptically. 

Johnny Storm makes the internationally recognized smug-smirk-and-shrug of 'We boned one time.' 

Sue looks at the woman with one eyebrow raised. “Really? I know he's my brother and all, but _you can do better.”_

“Hey, don't knock it. All the rippling abs of of the original model, half the pious, self-righteous bullshit.” 

“What is that thing, anyway?” Tony asks before Cap realizes he's been insulted. 

Darcy shrugs. “No clue. I borrowed it from the Baxter Building.” 

“Stole-” Reed interrupts. 

_“Borrowed,”_ she insists, then throws the small silvery object at Richards. “See? Now I have returned it, which is what happens when you borrow things. I hooked up with Trash Fire over there a couple months ago-” she jerks one thumb in the Cap-a-like's direction- “and when I was doing the inevitable walk of shame, I saw it lying on the coffee table. I don't know, dude, it was shiny, and I get all magpie-like when I'm hungover. I thought it was a lighter or something.” 

“It's an Ultimate Nullifier,” Richards says sullenly. “It was a gift.” 

They all look down at the empty black space where Thanos used to exist. It's like a very localized dormant black hole, or the aftereffects of God hitting a universal Ctrl+Alt+Del. All-powerful magic bullshittery is Tony's _favorite thing,_ really. Right after shareholder meetings and root canals. 

“Well, it works great. Nullifies like a boss. I will definitely leave a five-star review on Amazon.” 

****

* * *

**Two Borrowed (totally NOT stolen, unbunch your panties, Princess Stephanie) Objects of Immense Power  
**

****

* * *

“How did you even get here?” Stephen asks the unfamiliar woman when she snatches the Eye of Agamotto from his grasp before he can made the trade.

“Unbunch your panties, Princess Stephanie, you think you're the only one with an Infinity Gem?” She holds up an irregularly faceted orange stone. 

“The Soul Stone!” Thanos roars. “Give it here, and your death will be quick!” 

“Hard pass, Puce Moose,” she retorts with an eyeroll. “And seeing as the Soul Stone is the most powerful of them all, and you've got no hostages because your Praying Mantis Army already brutally murdered everyone I love, you're shit out of luck trying to make me.” 

The Mad Titan's roar of frustration indicates that she's correct. Perhaps Stephen has time to indulge his curiousity, so he asks. “Where did you find it?” 

“Underneath the couch cushions. I was looking for the remote.” 

“Impossible.” 

“I never said it was _my_ couch. Feel up to a little karaoke duet? I'm thinking, Cher power ballad. You look like the type to really belt once you've had a few beers.” 

Stephen eyes the two infinity gems in her cupped hands, and the Mad Titan, reduced to a pouting toddler. The Eye on its own is not powerful enough, but perhaps with the Soul Stone... _“If I could turn back time...if I could find a way...”_ he sings. 

“I knew you had it in you, Caped Wonder. Let's make some _magic!”_

****

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> ...and then Darcy and Stephen went back in time and saved the world, the end. Also, the Nullifier is canon. Because of course it is.


End file.
